Seasonal “Can’ts”

I can’t knit. Can’t. Not won’t. Can’t. No matter how many times I look at the 3 lovely projects I have started right now, my fingers just won’t move to pick them up for longer than a row. The yarn hasn’t changed color or softness. The sweater is just as beautifully tailored. The socks are just as geometrically striking. The lace shawl just as lovely.

I just can’t. And I know why…it’s not a case of knitter’s block. It’s a case of picking and choosing what to do in my few hours of off time each day, and if you’ve been reading my blog recently you’ll know what I’ve been doing with most of my time. When the weather hits the hot and humid stage, then my fingers will really start to itch again. But for now, my knitting projects are wrapped up, waiting for the right time again.

I’m not really a fan of such seasonal fluctuations in my creative activities, but I’ve learned to accept it. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad knitter, or that I’m especially fickle. It’s just a change of season. I’ve slowly come to accept that this is okay. To feel the change in seasons, to answer the call of nature as the earth reawakens in spring…it’s ok. In fact, it’s a good thing.

You can’t see it very well in this picture, but I’m attempting to dig out each of the 4 sections to make raised beds of a sort. The ground was rather dry when I was working on it this past weekend, and it just about killed me.

Also, it’s supposed to frost tonight. All my tender plants are inside. Hopefully the bushes from my mother (planted in huge pots, one of which sprained my wrist, around the edge of my patio) won’t be nipped.

Unexpected Arrival

Spring is here. It’s nearly a month early, according to long time residents, but it’s very definitely here. The crocuses and daffodils are all long gone, and the tulips are either at their peak or on their way out, depending on where exactly in town they’re blooming. Spring is and always has been MY season. While I enjoy all the seasons, and especially feeling them change, spring just embodies my outlook on life – ever the eternal optimist. After all, how is Spring supposed to know that Winter won’t decide to return for a final, killing frost that will wipe out all her lovely leaves and flowers? She really doesn’t. So she gambles, and hopes, and tries, and even if Winter does return…she tries again. And she always succeeds – in some measure, if not the way she originally intended.

I am concerned about the early spring and the long-term effects, but right now I’m choosing to enjoy it rather than worry over it. This isn’t the first year it’s happened – the USDA has even released a new map of hardiness zones, with all of the zones moved northward and a couple new ones added in the south. Such a change is a bit frightening…but I’m trying not to overthink it. Mother Nature has survived for thousands of years (not going to think about all the extinct animals and plants right at this moment), hopefully some climate change won’t permanently cripple her.

This is a very bad picture of the lovely tulip bed at the entrance to our apartment complex. I didn’t realize at the time that I really should have walked a lot closer.

The view from up the hill there is also quite lovely. I wish I had more pictures of some of the bulb gardens scattered around Roanoke, but alas – I was usually just driving by when I saw them. One day I’ll have my own huge, sprawling flower beds filled with masses of riotously colored tulips and hyacinths – something that can express without words the glee and joy that fill my entire being at this time of year.

American Eastern Redbud Tree (Cercis canadensis) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The redbuds along the highway (and a few in town) are out. They’re especially lighting up the Route 81 between Roanoke and Christiansburg right now. The hills themselves are just now turning a sweet spring green. Last week they were just ever-so-slightly showing green through the winter brown. It’s amazing how fast they’ve changed. Green is everywhere. Green, green, green. There’s a reason it’s my favorite color.

There are oodles and oodles of these thorny bushes all around the edges of the apartment complex, in the areas that don’t get mowed. I’m hoping they’re raspberries or blackberries, and that they don’t spray them.

The air has that lovely over-winter quality to it now too. Even when it’s raining, which it has been, a lot. Oh, I finally bought an umbrella, much to my husband’s chagrin. It has polka dots. I’ve been able to enjoy standing outside without getting my face wet, breathing in the damp earthy smell that is a spring rain. It’s so very, very different from the bone-chilling rains of early winter. It’s a promise of growth, of new starts, of washing all the old away and welcoming in the new.

Book update for this past week:

21.  Shades of Milk and Honey, by Mary Robinette Kowal (the lady who initiated the February Month of Mail Challenge).

Related articles

• On wanting to be a daffodil (annezelenka.com)
• Tulips! (lorischulz.wordpress.com)
• Rites of Spring (mothersugar.wordpress.com)
• Happy Spring! (starspry.wordpress.com)
• Spring Has Arrived! (revmorgan.wordpress.com)
• Garden journal, March 29 – Spring bursts forth (randomthoughtsfrommidlife.wordpress.com)
• The Razzle-Dazzle Redbud (notesfromtheblogusfear.wordpress.com)

Garden Design

I had been giving my garden a lot of thought in the past couple of weeks, despite not being able to visit it again (!). When I did finally manage to stop by on Sunday after work, in the rain, I discovered another community garden member had made good on his offer to till my little plot for me. After my own attempts to turn one half of it, I nearly cried with happiness that I wouldn’t have to subject my sadly atrophied muscles to such treatment again. Now I’ve been pondering how best to lay out the plants, some of which should go in as soon as possible like the lettuce, broccoli, peas, and spinach.

(Image from here…and I find it interesting that the poster was making the same point I am, essentially.)

This is the typical and traditional way to lay out a garden. Personally, I find looking at rows a bit boring and occasionally discouraging. Maybe I’m still having flashbacks to Mom’s looooooong garden rows and standing at one end of the bean row bemoaning how long it would take me to pick down to the other end and then back up the other side. At any rate, I was considering alternatives. Small square patches, like a checkerboard? Diagonal rows? Flowerbed style? Then while searching for solstice celebration ideas, I found an article on making an elemental garden. While the purpose of my garden is food and beauty in that order, the circle design just resonated with me – one of those “Aha! That’s it!” moments we all get now and then.

(image from here)

Now my garden isn’t nearly as big as that one (or the diagram below), so I think I will just make it a circle, divide it into quadrants, and call it good. Not sure yet if I will still have “rows” coming from the center of the circle out or if I’ll plant each quadrant in more of a flowerbed style. I think I’ll put a birdbath in the center, since while birds can sometimes be pests I know I’ll want them for the bug-picking abilities later in the spring and summer. The triangles left in the corners of the garden bed will be for extra flowers or herbs. No garden of mine would be complete without at least one specimen of my favorite summer flower – sunflowers. There is something just so very special about sunflowers to me. They’re always so happy, they make me smile, they’re homely yet beautiful, and provide so much to nature. I don’t think I’ll be planting the 12-foot giants Mom sent me seed for, since they would shade the whole garden, but I have a few other kinds that will definitely go in somewhere.

I’m so excited about this. Beyond excited. When I hit on the idea I was literally jumping up and down. Who would have thought gardening would be so exciting?

(image from here)

Food for the Mind

I had a revelation this week. It’s something every reader has probably joked about from time to time, but this week I realized…it’s true.

When I get a little money, I buy books. If there is any left, I buy food. ~ Erasmus

I was unable to resist the temptation of a sale and a coupon from Barnes and Noble, and finally bought one of the more expensive books I’d been wanting. Yes, it came out of my grocery budget. I can eat beans and rice, I don’t notice what bland food I’m eating much when I have my nose in a book anyway.

Blood and Mistletoe: the History of the Druids in Britain

I’ve been fascinated by ancient Britain for some time now, no doubt influenced by a lot of the popular myths and images floating around due to various books and movies. I’m hoping this book will help give me a more realistic and hopefully accurate view of some of the traditions of that time period. I’ve been trying to understand the practices of the modern forms of “green” religions, and am continually put off when books or blogs claim to be following paths laid down thousands of years ago…when, at least by my understanding, their religious practices originated a few hundred years ago. Yes, they might have been inspired by a culture from millenia ago, but since there are so few written records of that time, they aren’t truly practicing the same thing. Just a pet peeve of mine, one I’m trying to become a little more educated about.

Unfortunately, due to some sad circumstance, my 2-day shipping has turned into 3 and the book will not arrive until Monday (instead of today), when I will not have time to read it. Le sigh.

Failure Not an Option

Do you know your answer? Immediately, without even thinking about it? Something your heart tells you, something you’ve always wanted to do, something that you will regret not attempting? Something you feel like you were just born to do?

I know my answer.

I saw this quote on a magnet in Barnes and Noble right before Christmas. It jumped out at me from a rack – I read nearly instantaneously if it’s in large print – and quite literally stopped me in my tracks. If a person had asked me this question, I would have told them it was none of their damn business. At the time, the thoughts the question provoked made me feel bitter, angry, and fearful all at once. Weeks later I was and am still thinking about it, but with rather different emotions. Yes, I knew my answer without even thinking twice. And the fact that I didn’t have to think twice made me realize that I should rethink what exactly I’m doing with my life.

Maybe you’re one of those people who has been fortunate enough to recognize and pursue your dreams. Or maybe fear of failure keeps you from trying, or fear of rejection (which can feel like failure), or fear of change. I could make a lengthy list of all the reasons I haven’t pursued my own dream, for why I tried to bury it, stomp it out, forget about it. Some of them are things that, if my 24-year-old self could advise my 18-year-old self on, I could have changed. Some of them are things that were out of my control and that no matter what I could or should have done, wouldn’t have changed. For myself now, the biggest reason is fear of failure. Because what then? But what if? If I knew I wouldn’t fail, it wouldn’t matter how long it would take to get there. It wouldn’t matter how much it costs. It wouldn’t matter what sacrifices I would have to make. Nothing would be too hard. Nothing would matter but the journey. And nothing would stop me.

So why should it? I’ve always been an optimist. Probably of the sort very annoying to my friends and family, the person who always insists that where there is no door, there’s bound to be a window even if one must blast it into the wall oneself. Maybe if I stopped saying “if,” and changed it to “when.” When I’m old and decrepit I don’t want to look back on life and regret settling for less than a life that is full of passion and energy and ultimately fulfillment.

My 24th birthday present to myself is permission to chase my dream. Permission to ignore the voices of negativity and fear. Permission to follow my heart, regardless of what the safest or easiest path might be. Failure not an option.

New LotRO Systems (or, Grow UP, People!)

Indulge me in (yet another) rant. If you aren’t the least bit interested in gaming or LotR, you can probably skip this post.

So Turbine, the developer of the LotRO MMO, launched a new free-to-play (F2P) version of the game on Wednesday. Actually, it was available late Tuesday evening to anyone who had previously played the game either as a subscriber or Beta tester. Everyone else will be able to play starting Friday.There were scads of threads in the LotRO forums about what to expect with the huge overhaul, as well as detailed FAQs and comparison charts on the LotRO website. Also, PLEASE note – unless you were still playing the game as a subscriber, you are now playing FREE. Yes, there are things you have to buy in the store using Turbine points, blah blah. Well, duh. Turbine is a for-profit company. They can’t just hire all these developers and engineers and then release ALL the game content for free. This isn’t a charity cause.

That said, I am astonished and horrified at the number of whiners and douchebags that have come out of the woodwork, griping and bitching about how the servers weren’t up yet (on…Tuesday? when the official Head Start wasn’t supposed to be released until Wednesday?), they can’t get a download, their Turbine Points balances weren’t right – which was also explained via forums and website, subscribers would get their points ON THEIR PAYMENT DATE. Geez. I’m a NEW subscriber, and I was prepared for this. Some of these folks have been playing for months. Then the number of people complaining about what they have to pay for, bashing Turbine on Turbine’s facebook page, etc.

Yes, there have been some hiccups and issues that I hope will be resolved in future updates to the game (like “dynamic layers” i.e., public instancing – laaaaame, especially for RPers), overall I have had no real problems. I’ve played for hours since the update. No, I don’t like the new character creation page. It looks cheesy and cheap. But you know what? You only look at it for about 10 seconds when you log in, or however long it takes you to create a character for the first time. They also completely tore apart the community site, including forums and blogs, and without any warning – which, while I’m not much a part of, seems really bad for business and community, especially if the problems with the my.lotro blogs is as big as the forums say…but I digress.

Chill out, people. Of course there are going to be bugs. It was a ginormous update. Turbine is, as said before, a for-profit company. It is in their best interest to keep their customer base happy. They’re not going to let worms take over the game. They’re going to fix the bugs (already working on it). Posting nasty messages on FB (or repeated demands to “Fix my account!” or “Answr me plz”) is not going to help a damn thing.Turbine wants to keep its customers. LotRO may not be the biggest MMO out there, by far, but it has a decent and addicted base.

Honestly, folks? Grow up. Yes, it’s free to start. Don’t expect the ENTIRE game to be free. Read the notices posted on the public website before you start hounded the customer service people. If you’re going to post on the FB page, at least read a few posts below yours to see if your question was already answered. Don’t be an ass, and maybe you won’t be treated like one. The people behind this game are real people – of course, people no one notices until something goes wrong, then the cry goes up to burn them at the stake.

I honestly think though, that the lameassery I’m seeing is from a small percentage of LotRO players. Just very vocal, annoying ones. Why? Because the servers are full of people running around having a good time. We’re still enjoying the LotRO world. The changes are just that, changes. Change takes some getting used to. They’re not going to make everyone happy, but I hope the fun and community offered will be worth getting used to them.

My personal recommendation? If you’re going to sign up to play with a new, free account – wait until at least Friday night or maybe even Monday. There was a huge flood of players on Tuesday night and Wednesday, and I can’t help but think it will be even worse tomorrow. Look me up on Landroval as Karidis, or Windfola as Firesteliel. Oh yeah – major kudos to you if you read to the end of this post. You must really love me.

Where’s Your Happy Place?

I realized today that I write and think much better when I’m in my happy place. No surprise, hm? But it seems unfair that creativity is so limited. Though really, I can create my happy place in several different areas. Requirements are a comparatively comfortable seat, netbook or notebook, knitting, lots of books, and something good to drink (preferably tea). Here’s a pic of my happy place for today (can sometimes be moved to the library or a nice coffee shop). Since I realized how much better it is for creativity of any sort to be in this sort of environment, I’ve made an effort to sit down in the happy places when I want to write or whatever. No more just plopping down at the dining room table or the lumpy couch that drives me nuts.

Why sit here instead of in the study, with the nicer chair, even more books, and nicer computer? Well, the window on the left side of the picture is shaded by a big tree, and so this room is about 10-15 degrees cooler than the other rooms. Phew. But see? All those things are right there. I call it my zen, or alternately getting in my zone. I can settle down there and write for hours. I look up and can’t believe how much time has passed. Or sometimes I like to turn on an audiobook and knit away. I knit much faster when I’m listening to something. I can feel safe and calm here. Maybe it doesn’t look cozy or inviting, but for me it’s a haven. Sure, I’d love an actual library, with beautiful solid wood bookcases and a rolltop wooden desk, with a huge overstuffed chair. But this works just fine, and when I’m in my zone it doesn’t matter. I have a feeling once it gets cooler I’ll move to the actual study, since we just got a nest chair (yay!) and have three times as many books in there, but for now it’s just too darn hot!

Here’s something else that makes me really happy:

Red is my kitchen color, and my mom just gave me this adorably beautiful whistling tea kettle. It makes me happy every time I look at it. The cross-stitched picture behind it there makes me smile every day too, because I think about the friend that made it for me.

So where’s your happy place? Where do you go to unwind, or think, or maybe just enjoy a good book? Do you have your dream happy place, or do you improvise?

Truth Beneath the Rose

Give me strength to face the truth
The doubt within my soul
No longer I can justify
The bloodshed in his name

Is it a sin to seek the truth, the truth beneath the rose?
Pray with me so I will find the gate to Heaven’s door
I believed it would justify the means
It had a hold over me

Blinded to see
The cruelty of the beast
Here is the darkest side of me
(Forgive me my sins)

The veil of my dreams
Deceived all I have seen
Forgive me for what I have been
(Forgive me my sins)

Pray for me ’cause I have lost my faith in holy wars
Is paradise denied to me because I can take no more?

Has darkness taken over me
Consumed my mortal soul?
All my virtues sacrificed
Can Heaven be so cruel?

I believed it would justify the means
It had a hold over me
(Forgive me my sins)

Blinded to see
The cruelty of the beast
Here is the darkest side of me
(Forgive me my sins)

The veil of my dreams
Deceived all I have seen
Forgive me for what I have been
(Forgive me my sins)

I’m hoping, I’m praying
I won’t get lost between two worlds
For all I’ve seen,
The truth lies in between

Give me the strength to face the wrong that I have done
Now that I know
The darkest side of me

How can blood be your salvation
And justify the pain
That we have caused throughout the times

Will I learn what’s truly sacred
Will I redeem my soul
Will truth set me free

(Forgive me my sins)

Blinded to see
The cruelty of the beast
Here is the darkest side of me
(Forgive me my sins)

The veil of my dreams
Deceived all I have seen
Forgive me for what I have been
(Forgive me my sins)

—Within Temptation (watch/listen to it here)

I heard this song for the first time a few months ago. It immediately resonated with me, and it really seems to capture some of the struggles I’ve had in the last couple of years. Most of the beliefs and teachings I was raised with, I no longer hold to. I feel bitterly disallusioned, cheated, but also afraid. While I don’t believe they are true, a little voice keeps saying “what if?” The speaker in this song seems to have the same fear – she knows what she used to be, used to believe, is wrong and has hurt many people, but she doesn’t know what’s right or how to make her wrongs right.

There’s quite a bit of chatter on the internet about what the song actually means, or what it’s writer intended for it to mean. I’m not sure that matters so much as interpretation of the song to each person. In fact, I would guess that is why the writer didn’t make a big public to do over the meaning of the song (couldn’t find it in a casual search of the internet, just lots of speculation) – so that each person that hears it could relate to it. I certainly did. It sounds to me like it’s referring to the Crusades undertaken by the organized church in the Middle Ages, and the singer has realized that these “holy wars” aren’t really saving anyone, they’re actually hurting thousands of people.

It’s that thought I relate to so strongly – I’ve seen modern day holy wars, not undertaken with guns and swords but with manipulation, deceit, and suppression. The results are just as bloody, and perhaps even more dangerous because the victims for the most part, look fine on the outside. Those that become uncomfortable with or question these modern day holy war tactics are guilted and threatened into silence and submission.

Is it a sin to seek the truth, the truth beneath the rose?

Maybe that is a bit angsty. Oh well. I love that song.

Oh, and just for the record, while Sharon den Adel usually has amazing dresses/costumes in their music videos, she seriously needs to lose the black feathered wrist bands. Ugh.