I started the new year off in the best way possible – waking up warm and relaxed, with my boys both in the bed snuggling with me. I just lay there for awhile trying to absorb every tiny detail about how happy, safe, and comfortable I felt, because in a very short while I’ll be gone for several more months and will have to imagine it all when I lay down at night.
This has been a very long year. Last night I wondered out loud if, had I known what all this year would bring, I would have still gone ahead with my plans. To be honest, I’m not sure. I don’t regret sticking it out – not by a long shot. But I’m not sure I would have been brave enough to go through with it, because not going to lie…it’s been rough. Really rough, physically, emotionally, mentally…probably the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do in my life. I guess that’s why we can’t see what the future will bring.
I’ve missed my life. This last month has been better, since after graduation we were actually allowed to have our cell phones and I could talk to people. But it was nearly a year of short, weekly (if we were lucky) phone calls and lots of letters. I’ve always loved letters and mail in general, but it became a literal lifeline during this past year. My relationships with some people were greatly strengthened through it all – the people who still took time to write or answer the phone in the few minutes I had. Everything else – even the chance to read – was stripped away. The only thing left was what strength I could find inside, and draw from the letters my friends and family sent.
I’ve missed making things. Anyone who knows me knows I’m always making something, always have some kind of project going. I’ve missed that so much I can feel it, some part of me aches. I’ve missed baking, reading, quilting, knitting, gardening, hiking…and missed sharing that with all my loved ones. I still have a few months – please god, just a few months – left before I can think about even attempting to recreate “home,” but I’m taking a few little projects back with me, things that’ll fit in my desk drawer. Doing something creative after a long day of classes helps my brain sort everything out and is so relaxing.
I did manage to finish something while I’ve been home! I’m so excited to FINALLY get to do something, and I think it’s so pretty. I’ll post pictures and details on that later.