The weather has been perfectly rotten the past week or so. To the point it took me FIVE days – yes, five – to walk to the post office to mail a stack of letters. Some of which were Valentine’s cards that will be very, very late now. But it was so cold, and so windy, and so rainy, and by the end of the day I am so tired! It is almost a mile to the box, so…yes, I was lazy. The day I ended up going was still horrible but I just couldn’t stand not having them mailed any longer! I didn’t get anything – ANYTHING in the mail this week. It was so sad. 😛
School has been…blah. Dragging on and on and ON…even though there’s actually only a few weeks left. I feel depressed. There, I said it. All I want to do is sleep. I drag myself out of bed in the morning, drag myself to class, drag myself through class, then drag myself back to my room in the evening. Half the time I don’t go eat dinner. I just feel so exhausted. Part of that is probably because I’ve had some kind of sinus or respiratory bug for over a month now, that nothing seems to help.
I. Miss. Home. And by home I don’t even mean a specific place. I miss the people. Sure, I talk to them on the phone and text them all the time. But it’s just. not. the same. Most of all I miss being with my babe, doing things together and just hanging out. I miss our 2 am runs to Dunkin Donuts. I miss laying my head on his chest and his arm around me as I go to sleep. I miss him tickling me till I scream. I miss making dinner and always getting a hug and a kiss and a thank you (no matter how much of a flop it might be or if it’s only a frozen lasagna!). I miss getting on the bike and riding for hours, just the two of us and the wind. I miss rubbing his shoulders after he’s worked all day. I miss him grabbing me and kissing me and calling me his sexy lady. I miss making things for our home, food, quilts, gardening, decorating…all of it.
You’d think with time rapidly dwindling I’d be happier. But I’m having a lot of trouble pulling my head up. I’m scared of all the uncertainty that the next year holds. My heart breaks because I know the man and boy I love probably won’t be spending it with me. I feel like I’ve let them down, even though this assignment wasn’t my choice. I don’t know what to do about it. I think that’s what bothers me the most. I simply don’t know what to do. I’ve tried everything I know to change my assignment, but unless there’s a deus ex machina moment waiting on me out there, it’s pretty much set in stone. So deal with it, suck it up buttercup, and drive on. I can do that. I just hate feeling like I’m full of lead. That’s not me at all. And I don’t know what to do. I have no plan other than just getting through one day at a time. It drives me crazy and makes me wonder if this was all one big mistake. Maybe I should have never signed up for this. Too late now though I guess.
I try to keep doing the things that make me happy. Writing letters, stitching, reading. Sleeping. As much sleep as I can get. I wish I could just go for a walk. By myself. But no alone time is allowed here. Meh.