One More Sleep…

He’s in the air!! Looks like he might miss his first connecting flight though. Boo. 

Now I have to try to sleep tonight…fingers crossed my last one alone for a good, long time. 

Ghosts

Do you have ghosts from your past that just seem to just pop up out of nowhere, just when you thought they were gone for good? I do. Mine seem to come in the form of words. No surprise there, really, I guess. Considering how much I love words, it’s only fitting that my ghosts should take that form as well.

My husband will be here in a week. I’m way beyond excited. But, as has happened every time we’ve been apart, I’m starting to get nervous little butterflies. Mostly when I look in the mirror.

Does he really find me attractive? With my out-of-control hair, pale skin marred by scars from too many breakouts, ass that’s there but not as firm as it could be, nearly non-existent boobs? Is he really going to want to put up with my books everywhere? My dislike of doing the dishes after dinner or folding the laundry after washing it? My obsessions with making all kinds of things, my stashes of supplies everywhere? How can he roll over and want to kiss me first thing in the morning, when I squint at him and put on thick glasses so I can even see the clock next to the bed?

I call these ghosts because they’re the remnants of a toxic relationship, where I heard things that shredded what self-esteem I started out with and still struggle to get back, on a daily basis.

Put on makeup to go out with me. You’re ugly.
Can’t you wear something other than jeans and t-shirts? You’re ugly.
Go shave your legs before I touch them. You’re disgusting.
You’d be pretty if you tried. You’re ugly.
You could be hot if you worked out. You don’t turn me on.
Don’t knit in front of people, it’s embarrassing. You’re embarrassing.
Why do you do that (quilt, knit, spin, whatever)? Only grandmas do that. You’re weird.
You shouldn’t feel that way, you’re wrong. Your feelings don’t matter.

When we’re together they occasionally pop up, but Matt is incredibly good at silencing them. After we haven’t been together for awhile, they all start swirling around in my head again. Nevermind he’s now been with me both at my thinnest (yikes!) and heaviest weights, he’s seen me lose a third of my hair, and he’s seen me puke more times than I care to remember (still can’t handle my liquor). And he’s still moving all the way to the other side of the world to be with me. Nevermind I’ve never felt wanted the way he shows me in my entire life. I’ve never felt accepted like this. Leg hair, old t-shirts, messy hair, un-made-up face…just normal, plain me. Sure he appreciates it when I dress up, but he’s not embarrassed to be with me when I’m just normal me. He’s not embarrassed to introduce me to his friends. He likes me. Just me.

Trying to convince myself? Maybe. Remind myself? Sure.

It’s kind of not helping right now. Maybe if I turn all my mirrors to the wall. All I see is an ugly, tired-looking woman. Just a ghost.

Feelings

Sometimes I really wish feelings would go away.

Mostly the ones that hurt. Or the angry ones. Both, actually. For the most part the only things that really make me angry are the people I love, and right now I feel very angry. But I feel like part of it is irrational, because it seems like it might stem from jealousy of a sort. I feel like an exhausted little kid that just. can’t. deal. with the feels.

So I just shut my mouth and put my head down and move along.

Things We Take for Granted

So of course everyone has seen this enormously adorable video by now, of  a little 10 month old girl seeing the world clearly for the first time.

I’ve watched it about 5 times and ended up in tears every time. Because I know how she feels. While my eyes aren’t as bad as hers (holy cow, a +7 and a +5, and now mine come in somewhere around a +4 and +5, not sure what they were originally), they also weren’t caught as young. I was 4 years old when my parents took me to see a Sesame Street show, where I (a normally very calm, quiet child) got more and more frustrated and upset because I simply could see nothing of the show from our seats. My parents well-meant assurances that I could see just as good as everyone else from that area only upset me more. I remember – and don’t anyone tell me a 4 year old can’t remember – being extremely upset because I could literally see nothing except maybe an occasional blob of color – hello, Big Bird? They took me to an eye doctor within a few days, where of course immediately glasses were prescribed.  I was allowed to pick out my own frames, and I chose a pretty but awful-with-my-skin-and-hair-tones blue. I asked my mom later why the heck she let me pick those, and her response “There was no way you were going to wear them if you didn’t like them, and if you picked them out that excuse was never going to fly!” Hehe. Smart. But since I am quite legally blind without them, I’ve honestly never once been tempted to try going without. I’ve sometimes wondered if NOT being able to see things clearly led to my obsession with all beautiful things…because I could finally, FINALLY see what pretty things actually were.

How bad is that kind of astigmatism? It can vary depending on the person’s other vision problems. I’m also near-sighted, but my main issue is the astigmatism. With my right eye, I can just make out the edges – very faint and blurry – of the giant letter E they put up on the vision test. With my left, I can’t tell anything is there at all.

I think vision problems are written off or belittled a lot. I know I try to downplay mine. A lot of people I work with aren’t even aware I have trouble, until they happen to look at me sideways in the sunlight. Sure, it’s correctable with glasses. Giant, thick glasses that make me look like I have tiny pig eyes. I do have contacts now, thank god, that actually correct my eyesight to 20/15. People always ask why I don’t just get laser eye surgery, especially since my job would actually pay for it. That’s awesome and everything, except laser surgery doesn’t really help astigmatism. So I’m stuck with lenses of some kind until science comes up with a better alternative.

My job requires a certain amount of visual acuity. Not joking. And not too long ago my lack of it was put on display for the entire company to see. A combination of eye strain, bad lighting, and general nervousness made for a horrible presentation on my part. Thankfully my boss knows I’m usually a perfectionist with everything and always come through, so he pulled me aside and asked what had happened. My only explanation was that I couldn’t see. Couldn’t. Effing. See. Even with my lenses. I’d try to focus and no matter what I did, how many times I blinked, nothing would come out of pure, outraging blurriness. Every two seconds I was fighting off a wave of panic, embarrassment, or anger. Or all of the above. I wanted to cry but that REALLY wasn’t going to help. I felt like everyone was looking at me like I had 3 heads and someone was sitting on my chest so I couldn’t breathe. And nothing I did helped. It’s a horrible, horrible feeling and I went back to my room and I did cry.

I’m eternally grateful to whoever invented glasses. I’m glad I’m an adult now, so (usually) no one makes fun of how thick my glasses are, on the VERY rare occasions I have to wear them. I’m so glad that now there’s technology that allows babies the age of little Piper up there to get glasses so much earlier. I hope no one ever makes fun of her for wearing them. I hope she knows that she’s beautiful no matter what she’s wearing on her face or her body. I hope she treasures every single beautiful thing she sees, every color, every person she loves. Never stop smiling, Piper.

Patience…Or Lack Thereof

I am excessively frustrated with Shutterfly right now. Apparently they send all their image prints via UPS, which take 6 weeks plus to arrive here. Absolutely ridiculous, especially considering what I paid for shipping. How hard is it to ship via USPS?? WTF.

I’m so aggravated because I’ve been itching to work on my new Project Life obsession, and I only have a handful of pictures to work with at the moment. Most of which aren’t even mine, they’re ones my parents took and sent to me! Ugh. So even the 4 pages I have are extremely bare and nothing is journaled yet because I don’t have all the pictures so I don’t know if everything is where I want it…OMG HURRY UP ALREADY. I’ve put in a test order with Persnickety Prints, which, according to their website, ships Priority. So we’ll see if those get here any faster.

Here’s what I have so far, my very first attempt at Project Life and my first attempt in a very long time at any kind of scrapbooking.

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These are a little Instalbum thing I’m trying to do.

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These are pics from my grandmother’s trip to see my parents. They sent me a ton of pictures and even though I wasn’t there, I loved seeing them all so I decided I’d put them in my album too. And let’s face it, they were the only prints I had at the moment and I was dying to start putting some pages together. I have next to no tools/embellishments/paper with me at the moment, other than the PL Core Kit I bought a couple months ago (thanks Shutterfly…STILL WAITING), so they look very plain, but I’m having fun.

Happy News

My husband FINALLY got approved for travel by my company, which means in less than 3 weeks he will be here and we’ll be moving into an apartment!!!

Words don’t even express how happy and excited I am right now. It’s been over a year since we’ve lived together. I know it won’t be all sunshine and roses, there’s always an adjustment period after people come back together…but we’re committed and we’ll work through it. Maybe it’ll be easier since it’ll be a new place for both of us, instead of me coming back home to a place already established. I hope so. Should be interesting too, since all the stuff we’re shipping over won’t even be here until September some time…ugh. We can rent the essentials till then, but…I want MY things! I want to make our place OURS, make it a home for us.

Oh well. Guess we’ll go take the Korean beaches by storm until then. ;) Also, since my posting a countdown on FB drives the man crazy (“It makes it seem longer! Time slows down…”) I guess I’ll post my happy countdown here. :-D

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Happy 4th of July!!!

This is almost my favorite holiday of the year. I have a lot of good memories of it, from growing up all the way up till now. Last year was probably my worst, but it was still the brightest day in the middle of a very long string of VERY BAD days! This year was better…I’m still not with my family, but I spent it with some new friends, in a new country – and still got to celebrate with fireworks! One of these days all the people I love will be in the same place again.

In the meantime, I was playing with my new camera, and I’m pretty excited about some of the pics I got! Hope you all enjoy them too.

July 4th 026 July 4th 013 July 4th 018 July 4th 015 July 4th 029 July 4th 030Too bad there was that annoying pole in the middle of practically all of them. We tried but there was just no where that had a clear view. Also the second from last one just reminds me of the giant droid things from Star Wars, haha!

 

June Small Finish

Well, work was a little busier this past week or so, and I didn’t get this posted in time to officially join the June 2015 Smalls SAL. But, it was done somewhere around the 18th. It’s been mailed off to Draken, and hopefully the post will be kinder to it than to my long lost Imbolc stitch, shown here and detailed here. :'( I’m still really sad about it getting lost, but I’ll be re-stitching at the end of this round.

Presenting, Beltane! Another lovely free pattern from The Primitive Hare that was very relaxing and soothing to stitch. I’m really excited to see how Drakken finishes it. Of course, she’s also finishing another much larger project, i.e., baby dragon in utero, so it might be awhile. :P I changed the colors on this, first because I didn’t have the exact ones called for and because I wanted a slightly brighter pop of color.

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Stitching Rotation – Or How to Make Progress With Project ADD

I mentioned switching projects in my post last week, and I decided that I would work on my Quilter stitch for a week before moving back to Earth Goddess. I wrote in 3 days this week to work on it for an hour – which, including this weekend, I probably put in about 5 hours of work on it. Listened to The Dark is Rising while I stitched. Why didn’t I read these books when I was a kid? Anyway. I’m pretty stoked about how much progress I’ve made since picking it up last week! Check it out.

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And now:

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How about yeah??? I’m thinking even if I only work on this every 3rd week, a Christmas finish is definitely in reach. I would be so excited to be able to mail this to my grandma for her Christmas present. SO EXCITED. Fingers crossed.

In the midst of this progress, I discovered I was missing a thread color. Because it seems I can NEVER buy thread for a project without missing one or two. So of course I had to put in a 123Stitch order…squee! Coming this week. Can’t wait. Because, also of course, I didn’t just order the one skein of floss. Hehe.

I might work on Earth Goddess some this week, but my main goal is to get a little caught up on the Sabbat smalls I’ve been supposed to be working on since February. I ordered more fabric for them from 123Stitch and since I found a tiny little scrap shuffled into the middle of my patterns when I was reorganizing (and inventorying) this morning, I’ve started on the Beltane pattern. We’ll see if I can finish it by next week!

A New Challenge – Fightmaster Yoga

I know, I know. I seem to be very good at starting challenges and never finishing them. But the year is only halfway over! Today is the summer solstice, so it seemed a good omen to start something new, even though it’s also the day the year starts to wane. I haven’t had much opportunity to enjoy or celebrate the turning of the year in the past 18 months, so I think this is good for me.

Yes, the 90-day Yoga Challenge by Fightmaster Yoga still sat in my brain, percolating, for the last few days. It wouldn’t go away, no matter how I tried to reason myself out of it. I work out 5 days a week anyway. I’m horrible at finishing things. I don’t have a mat. I have a crappy little space. Excuses, excuses. So today I started.

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This is my yoga space. It doesn’t exactly make me happy, but doing the yoga (even on the cold, hard floor) made me feel better. I think I need to work on keeping my space a little tidier in general, and arranging things in a more decorative way. It’ll make me feel better. Also, I’ve since ordered a mat, after much urging from my husband. I couldn’t find one here and so was grumpily going without.

We’ll see how this goes. I’m not holding myself to doing it every day, just the full 90 without too many gaps between days. I’ll update here from time to time. I thought about trying to do it every day, but that’s just too much. :P Not going to set myself up for failure.